The Undisputed Truth

Yes. Finals are over. 90 Level II and Level III credits have been satisfied. No more group projects, mid-terms or final exams. After 20+ years, I’m finally completely done with school. I say this because anything postgrad I imagine would not be as bad, more complex, but certainly not subject to the rigors of undergraduate life. The gap is so wide that postgrad students usually teach undergrads.

What now? Well, I plan to do like the elderly at Retirement homes. My first impression of retirement homes was “Wow, why do they send their parents there? And What do they do? Just sit around and wait to die?”. Depressing, but in actuality thats what it is. So far I’ve planned to laze around and watch out the rest of  La Femme Nikita Seasons 2 and 3. In a way that can be classified as waiting to die as well, both literally and figuratively, as I still believe university life is one of its own that I am about to lose or lost already, and I’ve heard the saying that scientifically once you start living you start dying.

Oh well. Fact of the matter is, my exams are over. A massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Call me crazy but I can see colours brighter and I literally just feel better. Its amazing what stress can do to you. The feeling of relief, exhaustion, accomplishment and happiness is indeed a great one.

These last few days have been really weird. I feel as if I’m approaching the end of my life. As melodramatic is it may sound, I can’t prove to myself otherwise. I frequently have flashbacks when I walk around campus, and seeing certain landmarks and areas bring back a rush of memories. I have 2 more weeks of exams and then I’ll be done with university life, i.e., freedom.

No more late night campus walks, skipping classes, nocturnal, sedentary, carefree life, clubbing in the middle of the week, waking up at 5pm, interacting with friends constantly, facebook 24/7, anti-9 to 5 schedule, shoplifting from the mini mart, making fun of freshers, attending all the lame campus parties, being solicited by almost every club who wants to have a “hip crowd” of UWI students, bullshitting in lectures which you know won’t matter ultimately, pulling all-nighters, seriously relying on energy drinks for energy,…etc.

What’s left then? Well, nothing.  All I can think of is a super drastic drop in sexual activity, and being limited to doing stuff I like to do on weekends. “Life” will be replaced by most likely a boring job, average pay for now, facing the fucked up traffic on the roads in Trinidad, complaining about food prices and trying to catch up on sleep.

The sick part of it all is that this is what I wanted all along, to be free from the cursed shackles of UWI, with its shitty lecturers and its system designed to make you fail, with its rude, zombie-faced point-of-service staff and its bureaucracy, with its hectic semesters that leave room only for the completion of midterm exams, projects and cramming for finals, to be free from the fear of being just another drop-out who couldn’t cope.

If only I could continue my “life”, yet still be free of this place. So then I really want to have my cake and eat it too. Closest compromise would be to work at UWI. I explore even this as an option, as my absorption into the matrix of the working life, facing traffic everyday, losing my self, scares me. Should I pursue a masters degree at UWI? Subject myself to more institutional abuse? All for the sake of “the life?” I don’t know. Its all sad and confusing. Is it growing up or is all the cynicism about life taking a toll on me? These next few months will be life changing I imagine, whether I want it to or not.

Unlike a mid-term exam, a coursework project is an ongoing curse that keeps you busy from the time the due date is announced. I haven’t seen morning in over 3 days, yet little progress is being made because I have 3 projects to do simultaneously, given the fact that they are all due around the same time. It raises the question, which is better? An exam for which you can cram the night before, go in, finish in 2 hours and be done with, or a project, with no studying, but a constant pain in the ass until it leaves your hand and into the lecturer’s? The answer I  think, neither. School on the whole just sucks. I much rather just have a 100% final. Times like these make me wish I could fast-forward through it all like Adam Sandler in Click..